I’ve been a little quiet lately, and it seems that my absence from the digital world has been noticed. I guess that when people expect to keep up with your life through your website, Facebook, and Twitter accounts, they get a little antsy when you cease using all of them at once – as evident by the number of messages I’ve received through the various portals the last couple of days.
Most people have just popped a quick note to check that I’m still here and that I’m OK. Am I sick? If so, do I need groceries or to be otherwise nursed? Am I sad? If so, do I need some jokes or words of inspiration? Am I busy? Am I out of town? Am I “loved up”?
But one person developed a story of his own, hoping that his reason for my absence was correct. In his story, the man of my dreams came to whisk me away on a romantic seaside holiday where he professed his love for me and provided me with a cheque to cover my PhD tuition – and a bank account to cover all of my other bills. (In his story, the man of my dreams is a wealthy, childless, Catholic widower who dreams of adopting lots of kids with me.)
Alas, none of the above is the reason for my quietness. Rather, my silence is down to a bit of self-reflection that began on Saturday after an unpleasant experience. And since it’s an experience that I can’t seem to fully shake, I’ll share it here with you. (I’m no longer upset about it, just frustrated and a little angry.)
Long story short: I agreed to a dinner date with a man who had spent the previous weeks flirting with me. We had a lovely evening and I found myself thinking that I’d like to see him again. The next day, I ran into him when I was in Glasgow. Only he wasn’t alone; he was with his wife and daughter, and all of the sudden he was sporting a wedding band!*
I found the situation to be upsetting and I let it get to me. I let the dishonest actions of someone else shake me to the core and I found myself questioning so much about my own life – and my own future – because of it. And so, I’ve been very reflective these past few days – and therefore very quiet.
I’ve been reflecting on a couple of personal relationships that I’m struggling with. I’ve been reflecting on my financial future – and how I will pay for my PhD. I’ve been reflecting on my health and the future of my health. I’ve been reflecting on my failed attempts at reentering the dating world – and on if I need to date at all. And I’ve been reflecting on my life in general and what I can do to make it happier and more fulfilling.
So, that’s why I’ve been quiet. (Are you sorry you asked?)
But let’s go ahead and end this on a high note, shall we?
Late this afternoon I got a call from someone at Edinburgh Napier University inviting me to interview for the PhD studentship I applied for. I was starting to feel a bit down about my application as the deadline was 10 days ago and I hadn’t had so much as a receipt confirmation, so this little bit of happiness transformed my outlook a bit.
I know I’ve already been accepted to two other universities (Glasgow and Stirling) but my ego really wants to be accepted to every university I apply to. Of course, there’s a difference between being invited for an interview and being offered a place to study, so I won’t pop the Champagne cork just yet …
* We only had dinner; there was no kissing or hand-holding or anything else. Whilst you could say that it was all innocent in that case, he clearly wasn’t wearing a wedding band (I always look!) and never once mentioned a wife (current, ex, or otherwise) or child. It was very clear that he wanted me to have the impression that he was a single and available man.