Cold theory

So I’m sitting here drinking a proper beer with my sister and brother-not-in-law, JohnnyO. (JohnnyO is drinking Bud Light, which is almost proper beer, so that’s OK.) A question of if my beer is ‘ice cold’ turns the conversation to the ridiculous ‘cold activation’ sensor-thingy on the side of a can of Coors Light. [I’m shuddering at the thought of drinking said beverage regardless of the temperature.]

Anyhow, being one of those people who must find an answer for anything, even if it’s made up, I had to answer JohnnyO when he asked “What’s up with that?” with complete disdain in his voice.

And here’s my theory:

You know those people who are really dumb and hold Roman Candles in their hands whilst the fiery balls of flaming sulphur fly into the sky? Or the ones who stop at the gas station because their car is a bit noisy then grab the muffler to see if it’s securely attached to the car? Or the woman (or man) who checks to see if the curling iron is hot enough by wrapping their hand around the barrel? You know, the people who end up at the Harborview Burn Center for skin grafts causing them to lose sensation in their hands?

Well, I think that those are the people Coors is marketing to. The people with no feeling in their hands. And who like cheap, crap lagers. And need a way to tell if it’s ice cold.

When I rule the world, I will make certain that my Drinks Tsar makes eliminating Coors and other icky lagers* a priority.

* Icky lagers are to be defined as those un-liked by me as well as the lucky person who gets to be Drinks Tsar.

2 Replies to “Cold theory”

  1. Well said Frances !!…
    Even as someone who comes from the UK, where warm beer is apparently a national treasure, I cannot abide anything other than cold beer although there are some places that server it so cold that there is ice in it. I don’t need it THAT cold. Why anyone would need confirmation from another sense other than taste that their beer was cold; I have no idea.
    If you’re looking for anyone to fill the position of Drinks Tsar, can I put my name in the hat now ?

    1. I’ve promised the position of Drinks Tsar (which will be like the ATF so will include tobacco and firearms) to a friend in Scotland. But if he flakes on me, you’re in! Got a second position you’re interested in? I’d even invent something brand new just for you! 😉

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