Castle Ryan: Reflecting on the first 12 months in my queendom

Well, it has been a full year since I got the keys to Castle Ryan. As I look around, I can see how much I have done in that time, and how much more I must do! Indeed, in many ways, my castle looks like a dingy student flat – sparsely furnished and no real sense of permanency; most things are in a “for now” state, rather than a finished state.

When I first moved in, I decided to give myself a year before making any big changes. Part of this was to allow myself to settle into the space and really work out how I will use it. I began imagining what to do in each room right from the start, and I am pleased to say that my overall ideas remain the same. That gives me a little more confidence that I am making the right decisions for the house.

Some of the spaces are already in a settled state: The dining room and my home office. These rooms have the furniture I want and have been set out in what is likely to be a final layout. The other rooms are in a constant state of flux as I work out the best way to make my visions a reality.

Many of the projects I want to undertake will require money. That means I will need to do the work slowly over the next year of two. But I will get things done… in time. Of course, money isn’t the only barrier. Some projects would be easier if I had a second set of hands, and most of the projects would be easier if there was another person involved to talk through ideas with, someone who would be fully engaged and invested in the process both physically and emotionally.

However, this is home. It is my home, and I have worked to make it more and more comfortable with each passing week. And sometimes, it’s hard to believe how quickly this year has gone by. But equally, it’s hard to believe how settled and “at home” I feel most days.

Yes… Castle Ryan feels like my home! Indeed, I have had several sets of guests over the last year: Dinner parties for friends, Thanksgiving with neighbours, weekend visits here and there, and even longer visits on occasions. I’ve even taken to having a weekly milk delivery so that I can offer milk in coffee or tea when friends or neighbours stop by – something that never happened when I lived in the cottage with a (mildly) unpleasant housemate.

Of course, as with many things in my life, there is a little sadness in marking this one-year milestone. And that’s because it wasn’t a milestone Paul and I made together, as his death came about two weeks before the first anniversary of the lovely family home we bought together. It’s strange to think about that, and I’m sure it sounds strange to say this next part, but I have spent the last several weeks aware that the anniversary was imminent and therefore a little paranoid that something might happen to me before I could celebrate a year in my castle.

In addition to the sadness of not making the year anniversary of home ownership with Paul, I am also aware that many of the decoration and remodelling work I want to do at Castle Ryan is similar to what Paul and I planned for our home. That means I find myself pausing at times to reflect on my choices: Do I want that because we wanted that? Or do I want that because it’s something that I like as me an individual.

Sometimes it’s hard to know the difference, and I must remind myself that the things we planned together were influenced by my likes and style, just as much as Paul’s. So, it makes sense that I would still like and want many of those same things. After all, I can’t just avoid all things that were “us” because avoiding all things us would mean destroying part of me.

And so, I will have to remind myself that, whilst Paul is gone, his influence will remain with me always. Right down to the home I bought many years after his death.

A year of Castle Ryan. This feels good; this feels hopeful. And here’s hoping that over the next year I’ll be sharing lots of great posts about my remodelling and DIY successes.