I moved the bed around in my room yesterday. It’s the first “big” change since Paul died more than a year ago. I suppose I did it because I could, not because I wanted to. And I don’t know how long I’ll leave it that way. I had also considered taking over “his” side of the bed as it would be more convenient, but whilst I don’t have a preferred side, he did and I just can’t take over what was his. I know – it’s all mine now.
Note: This post was originally shared on my “widowhood” blog, “Frances 3.0: Still in Beta”.
When I first moved it, I did so with the thought that it would give me more space for the jewellery armoire that Paul kept saying I should buy. But I’ll probably never buy one.
Of course, I still don’t have the new bedsheets I’ve been meaning to purchase since March. Or the nightstands or CD display or Bose stand or flat-screen TV or new couch or anything else that we were planning to purchase together last summer.
At first, I couldn’t bring myself to purchase anything for “our” home because I didn’t want anything to do with the house and I certainly couldn’t think about making it “my” home without Paul. Then, I couldn’t bring myself to purchase anything because I was unsure if I wanted to sell the house or not and couldn’t make a commitment. Now, I can’t buy anything because of Paul.
Paul had very strong opinions of what he liked and what he wanted. I was a lot more flexible and would happily live with most style choices if it made him happy. Not because I didn’t have a mind of my own but because I didn’t hate the things he loved and he seemed to hate the things I kind of liked. And since I didn’t have strong opinions, I was easily swayed.
I’m still uncertain if I want to buy new nightstands or anything for the CDs and Bose, though I’m certain that I’m not in the market for a new TV or couch. But I am in the market for new bedsheets. I just can’t seem to buy any! It started back in March when a friend mentioned the possibility of a visit this summer. I decided that I needed to get new sheets for the guest beds – or at least new sheets for use on any of the three queen-sized beds in the house that could be used by me or a guest.
I’ve been to several department stores and bedding stores and have still not purchased sheets. I look at bedding every time I’m out and see something I like – or rather, that I think I like – and I pick it up and start to consider it. Then I wonder “What would Paul think of this?” Sometimes I know right away and can almost see the sour look on his face. Other times I am at a loss and don’t know what he would think. But I’m so afraid of getting something that he wouldn’t like that I end up not getting anything.
Now, I’m certain that if I saw something that I absolutely loved, this problem would go away. But because this decision is one that Paul would have, ultimately, made I find it difficult. When I have found something that I think Paul would like aesthetically, it’s priced too high for my frugal ways or it’s so cheaply made that I would be embarrassed to allow a guest to use it.
Thankfully or luckily (?) having summer guests is looking less likely because I was very near the point of taking my guest straight to the mall from the airport so that they could choose their own bedding.
I guess the point is this: I feel that I’m ready to make changes, but I am so unsure of my own tastes these days that I don’t know what changes to make. I don’t know if I like something because I really like it or because it’s what Paul and I agreed on. And, in all honesty, so many of these household aesthetics are things I’ve just never cared about in the past and I can’t get my head around it now. After all, before getting married I never purchased any household goods because I always lived in my parents’ house when in the states or in furnished accommodations when in Scotland. This is the first time in my life where I have to be a grownup without Paul.
Eventually, I’ll get there. In the mean time, I wonder if it’s rude to ask house guests to bring their own sheets?