Note: This post was originally shared on my “widowhood” blog, “Frances 3.0: Still in Beta”.
It’s been about six months since I started working with the monument company on Paul’s headstone and I’ve finally seen the first photos of the work in progress. It’s taken a while to get to this point but only because I’ve been very cautious about making decisions too quickly. However, once I knew everything was right, I was ready to just get it done!
Unfortunately, my early hesitations meant that it wasn’t ready at the one-year mark of Paul death. And with Memorial Day just a month after that, the monument company had so many orders that I didn’t want to push mine through for fear of making a mistake. I was beginning to get anxious about it because I’d hoped that it would be ready toward the end of June and it was starting to look like that, too, was unlikely. I let go of my June delivery hopes, however, which has calmed some of those anxious feelings.
When the photos of the cross that is being hand-carved arrived yesterday, I wasn’t certain if I would be able to open the email. I thought I would be so upset. But instead, I found that I couldn’t stop looking at the photos. It really is so beautiful and I found this strange peace knowing that it was all coming along so well. I think, too, that I was a little apprehensive about how the carving would look and feared that it wouldn’t do justice to the original cross, but all of those fears are vanished now.
Looking at the photo made me realise that I really do need to travel to the Isle of Iona to see the original cross standing where it’s stood for more than 1,200 years. I know it will be hard to go because it’s one of the places Paul and I had hoped to travel together, but I’m certain that I’ll find a bit of peace standing there on my own knowing that Paul is in my heart.
I feel a bit better knowing that Paul’s headstone will be in place this summer, and hope to have an exact date soon. I don’t know if I’ll want to see it go in, but I can be there if I want. Either way, I will be there the day that it’s placed. I know it sounds strange, but I feel that there will be a bit of comfort just looking at the stone and feeling the granite with my hands. Of course, I know there will be plenty of tears, too.