They are family

The day before my husband’s funeral, my eldest brother-in-law informed me that I was family and that Paul’s death didn’t change that. He let me know that I will always be part of the family – even if I remarry. The rest of my in-laws agreed and reassured me that I am, in fact, part of the family.

Over the years to follow, I’ve had several people inform me otherwise. I’ve had people tell me that I need to walk away from the Ryans because it’s not fair to them to have to see me alive and well, knowing that Paul is gone forever. My joys will cause them sorrows; my happiness will cause them grief. And I’ve had people tell me it’s disrespectful to my “real” family (I think by real they meant shared DNA) to continue calling Paul’s family my family.

And not too long ago, my first attempt at entering the dating world as a widow resulted in yet another insistence that I walk away from my “ex”-in-laws.

Yes, I’ve had several conversations since Paul died about the role of my in-laws in my life. It’s been suggested that I need to stop referring to them as my family when (if?) I start dating again. It’s been suggested that I not see them because I need to “forget” Paul. (Like that’s ever going to happen!) And it’s been suggested that I downgrade my relationship with them to Christmas cards and nothing more.

All of these comments have upset me to some extent. But I think that what has upset me most in recent weeks is a conversation I had with someone at the UKBA who informed me that I have no legal claim to “family” in the UK. I was informed that, as far as the government was concerned, my marriage has been dissolved, which therefore dissolves my family ties. When I explained that my marriage didn’t end in divorce – that I was widowed – I was informed that it didn’t matter. As far as the government is concerned, I do not have family in the UK.

I have to say that this was one of the most hurtful things I’ve heard in a very long time. But when I shared the story with Paul’s family, they were just as angry as I was. They were just as insulted by this statement, and they were just as upset. Because they know that we’re family.

So, even though there are people in the world who think that my in-laws are not my family, the most important people in the discussion disagree: Me and Paul’s family – my family.

And in the past couple of weeks, I have been reminded over and over again that I do have family in the UK – even if the government doesn’t believe me. And I feel blessed and humbled that these amazing people who don’t have to accept me have chosen to accept me and to keep me as family. (Just as many of Paul’s friends have chosen to accept me and keep me as their friends.)

And I do love my family; the ones I share DNA with, and the ones that came with Paul.

[That’s a photo of the day my in-laws became my family. I am such a lucky girl.]

4 Replies to “They are family”

  1. Yet another of example of the inflexibility of the law when it comes to situations like this. I can’t put myself in your shoes but I think it speaks volumes about you and about Paul’s family that despite his passing, there has never even been a second when any involved party has even considered suggesting a change to the status quo. It’s nice to think that Government agencies would be able to work within the law to use their powers to keep families and familial ties together but as is all too common, they seem very uninterested in using their powers for good. I wish you luck in your attempts to extend your stay in Scotland !!

    1. Thanks, Mark! I really am blessed to have Paul’s family in my life and I know that no matter what the future holds for me, they will be there. I’m holding out hope that I’ll find a way to pay for the PhD place I’ve been offered at Glasgow, which will keep me by them, but even if I end up back in America they will always be a part of my life!

  2. When Uncle T and I divorced (1988), his family still counted me as family and my family kept him as well. He visited your Grampa in Eburg and was at his funeral. I have visited my nieces over the years in Maine and Mass, attend the H family functions locally. The most recent was the memorial service of my former mother-in-law, at 99 years old!! The M family, not as much, but if they are in town, they will call or visit. Family is family. My Sweetheart has met many of my extended family and he has enough respect for and trust in me, that it does not bother him in the least. Even knowing that at times I am with my ‘ex’. Do what feels right and don’t let others dictate who you are and who you choose to love.
    Love you!! AE

    1. Thanks, Ant E. I certainly have no plans to not have my in-laws as part of my family. They are. Regardless of what the government or anyone else may thing.

      Sometimes I wonder if the reason people think I should ‘walk away’ is that we didn’t have children and I’m so young (well, young for a widow at least). Because it seems to me that when there are children involved, or even when the person left behind is ‘old’, there’s never a question about it. It’s almost as if some people think that the length of time you were married (or the number of offspring produced) makes a difference to how you are allowed to act after being widowed.

      Oh well. You can’t win ‘em all! (But I really am pleased to know that my in-laws think the way I do. And that’s all that really matters!)


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