Dream day

Eleven years ago, I entered a beautiful dream world: The dream of happily ever after with my amazing new husband. And whilst being a Mrs had never been a childhood dream, being Mrs Ryan was the answer to my dreams of being happy with my life’s course. And together, we built a wonderfully happy dream world.

But I woke up from that dream a few years ago and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t bring the dream back. I mean, I’m still Mrs Ryan, but I hold the title as a widowed woman now. Which is really more nightmare than dream.

Still, when I started to think about the 11th anniversary of my marriage, I wanted to do something nice to mark the day; something to celebrate this important part of my life. After all, the years I had with Paul were the happiest years I’ve ever experienced, and that’s really something to celebrate! However, try as I may each attempt at planning something failed. And so, I spent the day at my office, working on a paper I’m presenting at a conference in Croatia in the autumn. The place was empty because it was a Saturday—and a four-day weekend—so I was able to cry a little bit in between writing. (I tried not to cry too much though.)

So whilst my day wasn’t spent living the dream of being happily married, it was spent working on my PhD Dreams. Which was a good distraction, if nothing else.

Of course, there’s no way that I could go through the day without marking my wedding anniversary. So I stopped off for a glass of bubbles when I left the office. And as luck would have it, the sun was shining so I was able to enjoy my celebration outside with the sun on my face.

Between the shattered dreams of a happy marriage cut too short, and the hopeful dreams of earning my PhD, it’s been a bit of an emotional day. But I’ve survived it… and I will keep surviving these days.

But just because I’m surviving doesn’t mean that I don’t miss my dear, sweet Paul. Just because I’m surviving doesn’t mean I’m not aching inside. Today, more than ever.

Happy anniversary, Paul. I luv ya, luv!


Way back when, Paul created a couple of short photo videos to share with our family and friends who were unable to attend our wedding, so I thought that I’d share them with you here again. Just in case you want to roll your eyes over how terribly sappy and in love we were.

The “formal” shots

YouTube did not allow me to upload this video with the music Paul had is set to, so the track on the embedded video isn’t as fun. Click here to load the original version.

The “candid” shots

This one loaded with the original music. So no other link needed!

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