Sluggish in Stirling

I used to be the most amazing sleeper. I went to bed around 10 o’clock and woke up refreshed and alert when my alarm went off—save for the occasional late nights or lazy mornings.

But then Paul died and my sleeping patterns went haywire. In the beginning there were nightmares that kept me from sleep, but then I noticed that I had just become a light sleeper all of the sudden. The sounds of a butterfly flapping her wings could cause me to wake with a jolt and meant that I couldn’t get back to sleep.

Eventually, my sleep improved, but I didn’t sleep through the night for a very, very long time. In fact, it wasn’t until I returned to Scotland that I found myself sleeping through the night more often than not—but sadly, it was still not unheard of for me to wake once or twice before the sun came up.

And now my body seems to have developed a new pattern whereby any time I am stressed or worried, I don’t sleep at night and I can’t get up in the mornings.

For the last seven weeks, I have been very stressed and worried about a couple of big things. Only my stress and worry have morphed into all sorts of “Whatifs” and I find myself frightened about my future.

And the worst thing is that my stress, worry, and fright have me developing an unhealthy level of apathetic inaction. I am frozen in fear. I have growing a to-do list that isn’t getting to-done. Taxes? Well, they’re not due for a few more days. Laundry? There’s still clean knickers. Running? Who needs to train for a marathon anyhow … ?

My level of apathy has increased to the point where I can’t be bothered to get off the couch and go to bed. Then, after a very restless night’s sleep, I can’t be bothered to get out of bed when my alarm goes off. I’ve taken to showering in the evenings, because I know that I will be too lazy to do it in the morning before work. And showering on the weekends? Forget it! (And we’ll not talk about the last time I shaved my legs …)

I know that much of this sluggish, apathetic slump is down to the uncertainty I’m facing in life right now, and that as soon as I have a clear plan I will feel better and more energetic. But I also know that I need to snap out of it so that I can actually start getting ready for my inevitable summer in America and my subsequent return to Scotland for my PhD.

So, I’m going to work really hard at forcing myself to get it together. (Easier said than done!)

I’m going to:

  • Get back to eating fresh fruits and vegetables every day
  • Start drinking more water
  • Go for more training runs
  • Spend more time with friends
  • Force myself to not sit on the couch all weekend

I know that all of those things will help my energy levels which will help my mood which will help the apathy which will help the stress which will help my sleep.

Of course, knowing those things and doing those things are two different things. So wish me luck!

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