I don’t know if I’ve mentioned before what a massive gamble this new adventure of mine is. I’m leaving my job during one of the worst economic times in recent history; I’m saying goodbye to my house, my car, and most of my worldly possessions; and I’m destroying my finances and depleting my savings account all for the hope that I’m walking into a brighter, happier future.
If everything goes according to plan, my world will be pretty awesome for the first time in nearly two years. But, as I learned nearly two years ago, plans change – in the blink of an eye. I know that there’s a chance that things won’t go according to plan, but that they’ll still turn out just as good – or better – than planned. But I also know that there’s a chance that everything will fall apart and I’ll be left broken beyond repair.
As I creep closer and closer to saying goodbye to my house and my “stuff” I’m finding myself very stressed and panicked. I’m going from a 4-bedroom house where I can have as much “stuff” as I want and an income that [slightly] exceeds my monthly spending and bills to an unknown living situation where I expect to struggle to purchase groceries let alone drop $500 on a new mobile phone without thinking about it.
I’m upset. I’ve realised that I probably can’t take my golf clubs or bike because I don’t know where I’ll store them – nor can I rationalise the additional costs for baggage. I can’t take my über-gadget scanner because I don’t know if there will be space in my flat [which may or may not be furnished and rat-free] and I can’t take all of my clothes and handbags for the same reason. I’m sad. I’m going to have to take public transportation everywhere because I won’t be able to afford a car – and as a proper redneck American, my car is part of my freedom.
But as much as those material things (and the loss of my comfortable income) upset me, they’re not what’s getting me down today because I know I can store my “things” with family in America or replace them with new “things”. What’s upset me today is that I’ve just learned that the most recent changes at the UK’s border agency mean the end of the post-study work visa – which played heavily into my plans because I intended to apply for said visa upon completing my master’s degree so that I could stay on in Scotland if I so chose.
OK, there are still other options including a company-sponsored post-study work visa or going straight onto my PhD studies (which is the ultimate goal anyhow) but one isn’t a “sure thing” and the other is an expensive thing! And I know I shouldn’t think too far ahead and I know that I should be upbeat and positive and I know that things will happen the way they’re meant to happen and blah, blah, blah. But some days, it’s hard.
I want to be positive. I want to be that little Pollyanna person spewing gladness and faith at every junction. But some days I can’t even fake it. Some days, all of the fear and the worries and the grief just gang up on me and make the rainbows and unicorns go into hiding. Today is one of those days. And I really hate those days. And it seems like the closer I get to The Big Move, the more these fears and insecurities come out of the woodwork.
To summarise: I’m stressed and unhappy. But I’m sure the Pollyanna attitude with return soon. (I hope?) And thanks for listening to my emotional rant…