It’s a new year, so it’s time for a new me. OK, not a new me, but hopefully an improved me. Yes, it’s time to take charge of my life and fix a few things.
You see, I lost a lot of my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-identity when Paul died and I have struggled to get them back. I mean, I’m certainly better now than I was when I first moved to the Frances 3.0 platform, but I’m not the me that I loved so much – I’m not the me that I miss so much. (And I recognise that with the 3.0 [read: widowhood] upgrade I will never be that person again, but I want to reclaim some of that identity!)
One of the problems I’ve had in the past few years is that I’ve been focusing on the wrong problems; I’ve been focusing on things I have no control over; I’ve been focusing on the actions (and inactions) of others instead of the reactions of my own.
Specifically, I’ve been yearning for healthy and happy relationships with people I’ve never had healthy and happy relationships with. I’ve been yearning for acceptance from people who only want me if I’m willing to be like them – instead of being different like me. And that’s caused me a lot of heartache and grief.
I’ve also attempted to remain friends with people who often leave me feeling bad about myself. But I’ve convinced myself that they mean well and that they’re my friends and therefore it’s OK. Only it’s not OK because you shouldn’t cry after spending time with friends. Right? (Please tell me I’m right!)
So, basically, I’ve been allowing myself to feel bad about myself because of how others view me and my quirkiness*. And I do it over and over again, despite knowing that I shouldn’t.
To that, I’ve decided I need to stop letting other people make me feel bad. It’ll be hard, but I have to try to succeed. After all, I’m tired of crying because the people I love hurt me. (Although I maintain that no one means to hurt me; it’s just the way our personalities clash.)
I don’t really know how I’m going to do this, but here are some of my initial plans:
- Find a way to be OK with people not accepting me as me
- Find a way to be OK with walking away from the people who hurt me over and over again
- Find a way to stop wishing for what I don’t have and to start being more appreciative of what I do have
- Become comfortable with my own style and stop seeking approval from others (be me for me)
- Continue working on my every-day life goals in the hopes of regaining some of my self esteem
As I said, I don’t really know how I will accomplish some of the above plans, but I’m going to try. And with luck, my self-esteem, self-confidence, and self-identity will be on a more stable footing by the end of the year.
Welcome to my life, 2014. Now let’s have some fun!
* Thankfully, I have a strong group of friends and family (near and far) who do accept me for me – quirkiness and all – and they’ll certainly be there as I try to improve my wellbeing this year.