Today has not been my best day. I knew it would be a hard one, as I was saying goodbye to my parents ahead of tomorrow’s return to Scotland, but I didn’t expect the day I had.
It started off with me feeling unsettled and emotional, preparing myself for goodbyes. After the goodbyes I stopped off at the cemetery to visit Paul’s grave before making my way to my sister’s house on the other site of the pass.
But I was so emotional that I had to pull off at the next exit to convince myself that I wasn’t having a heart attack, I was just upset. Then I got back on the freeway only to have a wave of panic hit me again.
So I turned around and went back to my folks’ place to relax and calm down. Only I realised that every time I started to think about the next few days’ travel, I began to panic again—and began to wonder if I was having a heart attack. Which just made me panic even more.
In the end, I opted to get a ride over the pass, knowing that I needed to get there but worrying that I might have another massive wave of panic whilst driving. And that meant having my eldest niece drive me with my father following to bring her back. Which means that my eldest niece might now think I’m a great big scaredy-cat cry-baby instead of a strong, confident woman.
I think the panic attack is because of my conflicting emotions about leaving the Homeland and my parents—but there’s also a little bit of personal stress as I’m worried about my own health just now. (I’m sure it’s nothing; I’ll be seeing a doctor shortly.)
It’s also because of the stress of making another international trip that feels more like a move instead of like returning from holidays. In part because it’s been such a long and emotional visit to the Homeland but in part because when I arrive I will be moving into a new home—but not one of my own, rather I will be staying in a friend’s spare room for the foreseeable future. Which was such a generous offer but will bring its own level of stress (brought on by me; not placed on me by the friend).
So, basically, I have been feeling extremely overwhelmed and have been over thinking a million little things and it’s all now manifesting into these massive panic attacks that are leaving me feeling weak, frightened, helpless, and embarrassed.
I have a sinking feeling that tomorrow’s flights are going to be filled with stress and panic. And I am dreading the train journey from Manchester to Edinburgh because I fear that lugging all of my luggage will just add to my stress and frustration.
I remain convinced that I will calm down once I get settled back into life in Scotland; once I begin to create a bit of a routine and once I start to feel a bit more secure about my future. In the mean time, maybe I need to start reading up on relaxing breathing techniques.