The world seems to be closing in on me right now and it’s destroying my soul. The only thing that is saving me from a complete meltdown is knowing that soon – very soon – some of today’s stresses will naturally resolve themselves.
You see, there is a lot going on in my little world right now and I’m dealing with it all alone. (I’ll clarify that statement below.) There is the stress of my visa appeal, the stress of leaving my job, the stress of starting my PhD, the stress of moving before I start said PhD, the stress of getting my new student visa, the stress of… well, the stress of all the stress! And on top of that, I have a couple of stressful personal issues and relationships I’m trying to sort out.
(If you’re stressed just reading that list, try living it!)
As it stands today, there are so many unanswered questions about timings (mostly because of the visa stuff) which means that I can’t actually create a roadmap and a timeline for sorting everything out. I can’t start on some of the things I know I need to do because I have to complete other tasks first – tasks that are not in my control at the moment. (I can start packing as I know that a move is imminent though, which will at least keep me distracted.)
But the worst part about it all is that I’m dealing with it all alone. (As promised, I will now clarify that statement.) I don’t have anyone in my life who I can share all of my stresses with. There isn’t anyone that I can sit down with to go through all of the practical things I need to sort out and all of the emotional things. There isn’t that “Hollywood Friend” in my life. And that means that I have to keep so much bottled in and hidden. (Thankfully, there are a couple of friends with whom I can share the stresses of visas and moves.)
I know, I know. If you’re a regular reader you’re wondering just what I’ve ever kept bottled in and hidden. But the truth is, there are some stresses I’ve never, ever shared with anyone other than Paul. And whilst I can still talk to him, it is just not the same since he died because he doesn’t talk back!
So, without a Hollywood Friend, I’m facing it on my own and trying to ignore – rather than deal with – some of the stresses in my life. Which means I’m not sleeping or eating. Which means I’m just going to end up sick. Which means I’m going to have the added stress of being sick to deal with.
I know that it’s going to get worse before it gets better, but at least I know it’s going to get better! In the meantime, I guess I’ll just need to carry on and pretend that everything is wonderful. After all, it will be wonderful enough as soon as the visa stresses are cleared up. I think… I hope…
Of course, the good thing about all of this stress is that it’s saving me money. Partly because I’m not eating much, but partly because I never drink when I’m feeling stressed and miserable so my whisky supply hasn’t needed replacing lately! You know, to spin the positive!