I’m a little bit crazy most days. Always have been; always will be. But widowhood seems to have increased my insanity. In fact, it seems to have created new forms of crazy all together!
I thought about sharing a little window into that craziness last week but decided against it because I don’t really want to bore you with these things. But tonight I had a bit of a meltdown so figured maybe saying it all “out loud” might help me work through it. (Or not. We’ll see.)
Here’s the deal: I can’t buy things with an expiry date of 26 April. I just can’t do it. Two years ago, I was out shopping and grabbed a tub of yoghurt. As always, I checked the expiry date and it was 26 April. It was days before the first anniversary of Paul’s death (which is 26 April if you haven’t sussed that yet) and I panicked. I put the tub back and started searching for one with a later date. But they were all dated 26 April. So I didn’t get any yoghurt. Same thing last year: I couldn’t buy anything with a 26 April expiry date.
So, a few days ago I found myself grabbing a few groceries to tide me over until my next online shop. As I picked up a pack of fresh cheese, I noticed the expiry date (yes, 26 April) and realised that there was no way I could do an online shop until after that date, for fear of having something delivered with that dreaded date imprinted on the packaging.
Anyhow, tonight I decided I’d make a nice salad for dinner. I grabbed a bottle of Ranch dressing that I’d bought a few months ago. After putting the salad together, I opened the bottle and noticed the date as I started pouring it – 26 April. I froze. I didn’t know what to do. Do I throw it out? Do I force myself to move past this silly block? I didn’t know. I don’t know how long I stood there staring at the salad before deciding that I needed to eat it.
I grabbed a fork, picked up the salad, and went to sit on the couch. But I couldn’t bring myself to eat the salad. Instead, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably over a stupid date. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. And with that, I went back to the kitchen and threw it out – the salad and the rest of the dressing.
Then I cried some more. I am, after all, completely insane.
I don’t know what will happen next year. I just know that, apparently, this year I’m still not ready to buy or eat food with an expiry date of 26 April. As I said, widowhood has created new kinds of crazy for me!