I’ve spent a bit of time packing today. Wow, it seems like I’m doing that a lot lately. But I hope it’s a while before I have to do it again.

I started packing about six months ago. First, it was my home – a long, emotional process that hurt in ways I never would have imagined. Then, a little over two months ago, I packed two large suitcases for my move to Scotland.

When I unpacked two months ago, I knew it was temporary, so I knew that the time would come to pack once again. But that doesn’t make it any easier.

You see, I move into my new flat on Monday. A place of my own. A new home. A new chance for a happy future. With all of that newness, you’d think I’d be happy about packing up. But it’s hard to be happy. It’s hard to be happy about moving into a home of my own when I always thought I’d have someone to share my home with into old age.

I think it’s a bit worse because I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know if I’ll be staying on in Stirling – or even Scotland – after graduate school. I don’t know if I’ll move again in six months or a year or ten years from now. And it’s hard to not know. It makes me feel so scared and unsettled. It makes me wonder if I will ever have a real home again.

I know I’m being silly and that I shouldn’t worry too much about the future, but I can’t help it. I do worry. I worry about floating between one thing and the next and never having a bit of permanency again. I worry about a million little things that I shouldn’t worry about.

I am still convinced that this entire crazy adventure is a good thing. I am still convinced that, despite the sadness that comes with it all, this is what I need to do to find some peace in my world again. I just need to stop thinking about the sad things and the worrisome things and start thinking about the happy things.

Like: I’m going to have a new home where I can decorate as I like without having to compromise on design and style. I’m going to have a warm place to live whilst I study for my master’s degree – a degree that has been part of my educational goals for more than a decade. I’m going to have a place to call my own and a place to cook meals and entertain friends. I’m going to have a new home where I can sit and dream new dreams. And dreams are like food for the soul.

Monday will be here before I know it.

5 Replies to “Re-packing”

  1. I agree with Jeanne, and it’s always hard not to question your decisions & worry about things- it’s our nature, but just keep focused on those happy things you mentioned & the sad & worry will dissipate before you know it!
    Take some before & after photos of the new place so we can see your happy, comfy, stylish transformation! 🙂

    1. Thanks ladies! I’m slowly un-packing now and am sure it will be great once I’m settled in. I will be getting family photos up this week, too. Once the nieces and nephews are out smiling at me, I’ll be cheered for sure!

  2. You are doing the right thing, don’t ever doubt that. It might not be what you would have chosen, but it’s where you are now and you’re dealing with it in a way that puts a lot of people to shame.
    I’m really happy that you’ve got a place of your own to move to. I know it means a lot to you. But I’m also really sad that you’ll be moving out. I’ve loved having you share the flat with me, you’ve been great and very easy company. The only thing that makes it any easier is knowing that actually you’re just round the corner.
    And that you’ll be cooking me that awesome Thanksgiving dinner in just over a month!!

    1. I think being just around the corner is ace! That way, I won’t feel too alone. And I’m sure I’ll have to do some practice cooking before Thanksgiving, so get your appetite ready!

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