Some days, I think about how lonely I am, and about how I want to find someone to share my life with. I think about how I want to find someone I can love, and who will love me back; about how I want to find someone who makes my heart sing with a joy so loud that it drowns out the loneliness. Only it’s not all that easy to find that person. If it were, I wouldn’t still be alone after more than six years of widowhood.
No, it’s not easy at all. In fact, there’s a complicated little dance that takes place as I try to balance being lonely with wanting to find new love. I have to balance my desires to end the loneliness and find love with the fear of settling for “somebody, anybody”. I have to balance my desires for love with the fear of misreading my emotions because of loneliness. And I have to balance the confusion and guilt of wanting to date with the knowledge that it’s OK.
I spend the vast majority of my time alone. And quite often when I’m not alone, I still feel lonely. It’s one of those horrible side effects of widowhood (or maybe of long-term singlehood?). It’s not that I want to spend so much time alone, it’s just the way my (lack of a) social life is. And I certainly don’t want to be lonely – whether I’m by myself or in a crowded room – but when you don’t have someone to share your life with, loneliness seems to become your constant companion.
But escaping the loneliness isn’t as easy as finding someone to spend your time with. If it were, I’d be set! After all, I have enough friends that I could socialise with someone every week. But it’s not the same. I’m sorry, but it’s not.
So, the balancing act continues. I don’t want to be lonely. I don’t want to be alone. I want to be in love. I want to find someone to be in love with me. But I can’t force one just so that I have the other. Life doesn’t work that way. Love doesn’t work that way.
Yes, Dear Reader, you may be left feeling that I’m having a bit of a down day. And I suppose I am. After all, I am lonely. I don’t want to be, but I am. I’ll muddle through it, and I’ll survive it somehow. But to be honest, life would be happier if I had someone to share it with.
I’m not going to witter on any longer though, because I just got a message from someone I know, inviting me out for dinner and a comedy show at the Fringe. So, it’s time I stop whinging and start getting ready to go on a wee adventure. (If you’re lucky, I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow.)