It’s the first new year of this new life and I wish I knew what it had in store for me. For possibly the first time in my life, I don’t have something to dream for in the coming year. I don’t have that anchor point that says “2010 is going to be a great year because [fill in the blank].” And for the first time in nearly eight years, I don’t have someone to share the year’s daily adventures with.
Note: This post was originally shared on my “widowhood” blog, “Frances 3.0: Still in Beta”.
Countless times in the past few weeks people have assured me that the new year would be better for me. But how can I believe that this year is better than the last? Last year, I got to share my life with Paul for nearly five months. Last year, I got to be excited about starting a family with Paul. Last year, I got to hold and hug and kiss Paul. I don’t get to do any of that in the new year. In the new year, I only get to think of those memories – knowing that those moments of joy will never be a reality again.
I know that this year won’t bring the same intense pain as last year, but the pain will still be there. I know that this year will see me laughing a bit more than last, and enjoying my life a bit more. But I don’t know if those things will make it a better year.
2010 will bring me more challenges than I’ve ever faced. It’s the year that will force me to decide what to do with my future. It’s the year that I’ll have to actually start making progress toward making that new future happen. Will I sell my home? Will I give up all of my security to obtain a dream I’ve had since long before meeting Paul? Will I stay where I am? Will I keep my job? Will I move far away and make a fresh start? There are so many decisions to make in the coming year!
I’m not facing the new year with dread and doom. I truly am looking forward to a good year. A year where I build strong bonds with new friends; a year where I find joy and happiness where I least expect it; a year where I grow stronger in my own being. I am looking forward to a year filled with laughter, despite the tears; filled with love, despite the loss; and filled with memories, despite the sadness.
I’ve made my resolutions and am ready to face 2010 boldly and with as little fear as possible. I may feel that I’m alone, but I know that Paul is here with me – settled into my heart forever. I also know I have family and friends around the world who are there for me. One of my resolutions is to strive to be happy – and I know my family and friends will help me with that resolution because it’s the best way to honour Paul this year and in all the years to follow.
“Here’s to the bright New Year, and a fond farewell to the old; here’s to the things that are yet to come, and to the memories that we hold.”