Winning the bronze: 19 years of “married life”

Today marks 19 years since I became Mrs Ryan. And much like every year when this day comes around, I am feeling quite sad that Mr Ryan isn’t here to mark the day with me. Indeed, it is a day that no one else will acknowledge because it is not a day of importance to anyone other than me.

I see all the anniversary milestones of others, and I feel a twinge of envy. I want what they have: A long and lasting marriage. (Although I recognise that they might not also have a happy and healthy marriage; we can never know what happens behind closed doors.) I want the joy and laughter that I had with Paul to continue. I want the companionship and the partnership. I want the love, the support, and the friendship.

Instead, I get the memories of a happy marriage cut short by death. I get the tears. There will be no shared memories, no cards, no gifts. Because my married life ended 15 years ago and now my anniversary is just for me; my reminder of a once happy union between man and wife.

But that doesn’t stop me from thinking about anniversary gifts.

Bronze is the traditional gift for a 19^th wedding anniversary. And as Paul and I enjoyed doing the traditional gifts (for the limited years we had), I find myself wondering what I would have got for him. Of course, it’s hard to know what that might be because I don’t know what our world would be like. But knowing us “then” and imagining what we would be like “now”, I suppose I would have gotten him something like a singing bowl or a simple relief map (as a wall hanging). Or maybe I would have found a way to incorporate bronze into an activity. I don’t know and, sadly, I can never know now.

But what I do know is that, even without Paul here to celebrate with me, I will mark the day. I will remember our happy times together and I will imagine what today might be if he were still here with me. And I will do my best to laugh and smile more than I cry.

I’m sure it seems silly to some people that I would reflect on my marriage so many years after it “ended” with my husband’s death. But the day is still significant in my life because my relationship with Paul helped to shape me into the person I am today. And whilst he has been gone for 15 years now, his impact on my life remains.

Happy anniversary, Paul. I luv ya, luv. xx

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Way back when we first got married, Paul created a couple of short photo videos to share with our family and friends who couldn’t attend our wedding, so I thought I’d share them with you here again. Just in case you want to roll your eyes over how terribly sappy and in love we were.

The “formal” shots
YouTube did not allow me to upload this video with the music Paul had it set to, so the track on the embedded video isn’t as fun. Click here to load the original version.

The “candid” shots
This one is loaded with the original music. So no other link is needed!